This is a public domain, so I am going to vent for
a while. The purpose of this board is for young people
faced with homosexuality to freely express themselves,
right? Well it's time to freely express myself and the
man who has captured my mind ever since the summer of
2002. I may offend some, but hey, free expression is my
immunity.
I extemely like him, but at the same time I dispise him. In some shape or form, he's the first thought on my mind as I wake up; the last memory as hypnogogic images form in my head before sleep engulfs me. The first can be good, the last can be bad, or vice versa. I want to scream from the nearest rooftop how much he sickens me; I want to pull the covers over my head and cower from the overwhelming separation anxiety. I'm glad he's a half a world's distance away, but at the same time I look forward to the day when I see the sight of him again. I'm jealous of the life he leads, but I desperately want to be a part of it. I abhor everything he stands for as well as worship the ground he walks on.
As you all can see, this guy envokes a range of emotions throughout my being. Obsession? I'll let the reader be the judge as I take them on a quick trip into my psyche.
"My guy" is about six feet and some change; a gorgeous muscular caucasian with those "All American Male" features. Thick, wavy brown hair; strong jaw, he just has those rugged features that ooze manliness and sex appeal. And let me tell you, he has the deepest blue eyes I have ever seen on a guy. I instantly turn into a pool of cellular goo everytime I get the chance to look into them. Absolutely spellbinding. Then I have to break my gaze before he sees anything on my face that could betray my feelings for him.
His bearing is that of an average "Alpha Male"; all lesser men look up to him and vie for his friendship while the women are virtually lined up to jump in his bed. He commands the attention of people simply by walking into a room. His presence alone says "I am the top dog here, and I challenge anyone to dispute otherwise". In case you all were wondering, he's as straight as an arrow, no question whatsoever.
Not only is he attractive (putting it mildly), but he is just a mentally stimulating. He's intelligent, funny, generous; basically all the attributes that go along with a wonderful personality. No, he's not perfect, but his accolades outweigh his faults. We can have interesting conversations on just about anything, more than just the average "This girl is so hot" between most guys. I can talk to him about anything, well, almost anything...
Where does the negative feelings come into play, you ask? Well, buckle your seatbelts, kiddies, it's going to be a bumpy ride into my mind....
To begin, I'm black. I am a closeted African-American male living in America. I am the worst of the worst when it comes to the quality of human beings. Americans hate black people, and black people hate gays of their kind worst than the rest of America. I'm sure plenty of people will post with comments like "I don't hate black people, gay or straight". That's all well and good, but the rest of America isn't as open-minded as you guys.
And I read the tabloids. Gay black men are thought of nothing but animals, who are "Gangsta" heterosexuals by the light of day, but as nighttime falls they creep into the darkest of corners to engage in sexual intercourse with others of our kind on the "DL" (down-low). Oh, and we are responsible for the spread of AIDS in this country. In between hiding our identities and prowling the streets for sexual conquests, we wreak havoc on America by robbing homes and stealing cars, with our other black bretheren.
I don't let these stereotypes define who I am; I'm the upstanding of citizens; I served in the military to defend this country, and decided to leave to go to college and contribute to the betterment of a mankind that would choose to condemn me instead (I have big plans as a math/science major). But it does get overwhelmingly depressing when the weight of these stereotypes are carried around on my shoulders, added on with each look of contempt I receive in the suburban mall, or each infraction I receive based on the color of my skin.
And I worship the people who subjugate my people based on this skin color; the same people who sold my ancestors all across the world in what was known as the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and made their lives a living hell thereafter based on this said skin color; the people who are born priviledged no matter what their social status; I love white men (Please see the post p082.ezboard.com/fchatfor...D=72.topic for elaboration on this topic).
I love white men like "My Guy"; the Alpha Man who is placed on a pedestal and revered by lesser men; the type of man who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth; the type of man who has no problem of finding a woman to shack up with for the night. I know it's not his fault, but I am angry at him for being born at the top of the US food chain, I am angry at him for myself being born at the sub-bottom level of this food chain, and I am jealous of him.
He is everything I will never be in this lifetime.
I constantly compare my life to his. Having trouble combing my thick mass of "nappy" hair? Wouldn't happen to "My Guy", for he has straight, flowing, European hair that is manageable. Can't seem to land that summer internship? "My Guy" wouldn't need a summer internship because he'd be hired right out of college; managers can spot a winner just by looking at one's "external features". Nothing to do on a Friday night? "My Guy" has a multitude of friends who date as far back as high school who he can call when looking for the weekend hot spot/things to do. Just not having any sex whatsoever? Aside from NOT being a closeted gay male who loves his opposing race, "My Guy", using his good looks and wealth of charisma, could charm a woman right out of her panties. The list goes on, even including whether "My Guy" would get into an arguement with the drive-thru clerk at Windy's; I felt this simpleton would be falling over herself to serve a person like "My Guy" (a white somebody) instead of picking a fight with me (a black nobody).
Imagine how a guy like me felt, when I witnessed some of these examples. He invited me out with his friends to a bar, and I was the "guy in the corner"; the one no one would talk to. He was laughing and having a good time with his buddies from high school, reminscing about "old" times of glory and popularity; while I was thinking "Why did I agree to come here again?" Me, the invisible bookwork at my highschool. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Then the girl he was "seeing" at the time came by, and I had to ride back with him to her house because my car was on the other side of town.
A lot of thoughts run through a man's mind when he's lying on a couch in a dark room, listening to the one man he might possibly love having sex with a woman. Each thump on the wall was like a hammer hitting my brain; each one of his moans ripping my heart apart, piece by piece.
Generally, this is when the comparisons began, when I evaluated my life, then did the same to his, all in the darkness, lying on a couch. My broken family to his complete. My lonliness to his popularity. My ingrown facial hairs to his smooth-shaved skin. My black to his white. My gay to his straight. My disadvantages to his priviledges.
My curses to his blessings.
Life just wasn't fair. He can have any woman he wants, and I'm stuck lying on a couch in the darkness with over ten years of pent-up sexual frustration inside of me, listening to his moans of pleasure upstairs. I came pretty close to revoking God's name that night. Really close.
Please don't flame me too hard; I just needed to let some of this out for someone to know. Maybe I'll tell him that I have feelings for him and dislike him because of his race and priviledge but am envious of it as well.
Next Time: "Walking the thin line between Success and Suicide".
Happy New Years, everyone.
I extemely like him, but at the same time I dispise him. In some shape or form, he's the first thought on my mind as I wake up; the last memory as hypnogogic images form in my head before sleep engulfs me. The first can be good, the last can be bad, or vice versa. I want to scream from the nearest rooftop how much he sickens me; I want to pull the covers over my head and cower from the overwhelming separation anxiety. I'm glad he's a half a world's distance away, but at the same time I look forward to the day when I see the sight of him again. I'm jealous of the life he leads, but I desperately want to be a part of it. I abhor everything he stands for as well as worship the ground he walks on.
As you all can see, this guy envokes a range of emotions throughout my being. Obsession? I'll let the reader be the judge as I take them on a quick trip into my psyche.
"My guy" is about six feet and some change; a gorgeous muscular caucasian with those "All American Male" features. Thick, wavy brown hair; strong jaw, he just has those rugged features that ooze manliness and sex appeal. And let me tell you, he has the deepest blue eyes I have ever seen on a guy. I instantly turn into a pool of cellular goo everytime I get the chance to look into them. Absolutely spellbinding. Then I have to break my gaze before he sees anything on my face that could betray my feelings for him.
His bearing is that of an average "Alpha Male"; all lesser men look up to him and vie for his friendship while the women are virtually lined up to jump in his bed. He commands the attention of people simply by walking into a room. His presence alone says "I am the top dog here, and I challenge anyone to dispute otherwise". In case you all were wondering, he's as straight as an arrow, no question whatsoever.
Not only is he attractive (putting it mildly), but he is just a mentally stimulating. He's intelligent, funny, generous; basically all the attributes that go along with a wonderful personality. No, he's not perfect, but his accolades outweigh his faults. We can have interesting conversations on just about anything, more than just the average "This girl is so hot" between most guys. I can talk to him about anything, well, almost anything...
Where does the negative feelings come into play, you ask? Well, buckle your seatbelts, kiddies, it's going to be a bumpy ride into my mind....
To begin, I'm black. I am a closeted African-American male living in America. I am the worst of the worst when it comes to the quality of human beings. Americans hate black people, and black people hate gays of their kind worst than the rest of America. I'm sure plenty of people will post with comments like "I don't hate black people, gay or straight". That's all well and good, but the rest of America isn't as open-minded as you guys.
And I read the tabloids. Gay black men are thought of nothing but animals, who are "Gangsta" heterosexuals by the light of day, but as nighttime falls they creep into the darkest of corners to engage in sexual intercourse with others of our kind on the "DL" (down-low). Oh, and we are responsible for the spread of AIDS in this country. In between hiding our identities and prowling the streets for sexual conquests, we wreak havoc on America by robbing homes and stealing cars, with our other black bretheren.
I don't let these stereotypes define who I am; I'm the upstanding of citizens; I served in the military to defend this country, and decided to leave to go to college and contribute to the betterment of a mankind that would choose to condemn me instead (I have big plans as a math/science major). But it does get overwhelmingly depressing when the weight of these stereotypes are carried around on my shoulders, added on with each look of contempt I receive in the suburban mall, or each infraction I receive based on the color of my skin.
And I worship the people who subjugate my people based on this skin color; the same people who sold my ancestors all across the world in what was known as the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and made their lives a living hell thereafter based on this said skin color; the people who are born priviledged no matter what their social status; I love white men (Please see the post p082.ezboard.com/fchatfor...D=72.topic for elaboration on this topic).
I love white men like "My Guy"; the Alpha Man who is placed on a pedestal and revered by lesser men; the type of man who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth; the type of man who has no problem of finding a woman to shack up with for the night. I know it's not his fault, but I am angry at him for being born at the top of the US food chain, I am angry at him for myself being born at the sub-bottom level of this food chain, and I am jealous of him.
He is everything I will never be in this lifetime.
I constantly compare my life to his. Having trouble combing my thick mass of "nappy" hair? Wouldn't happen to "My Guy", for he has straight, flowing, European hair that is manageable. Can't seem to land that summer internship? "My Guy" wouldn't need a summer internship because he'd be hired right out of college; managers can spot a winner just by looking at one's "external features". Nothing to do on a Friday night? "My Guy" has a multitude of friends who date as far back as high school who he can call when looking for the weekend hot spot/things to do. Just not having any sex whatsoever? Aside from NOT being a closeted gay male who loves his opposing race, "My Guy", using his good looks and wealth of charisma, could charm a woman right out of her panties. The list goes on, even including whether "My Guy" would get into an arguement with the drive-thru clerk at Windy's; I felt this simpleton would be falling over herself to serve a person like "My Guy" (a white somebody) instead of picking a fight with me (a black nobody).
Imagine how a guy like me felt, when I witnessed some of these examples. He invited me out with his friends to a bar, and I was the "guy in the corner"; the one no one would talk to. He was laughing and having a good time with his buddies from high school, reminscing about "old" times of glory and popularity; while I was thinking "Why did I agree to come here again?" Me, the invisible bookwork at my highschool. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. Then the girl he was "seeing" at the time came by, and I had to ride back with him to her house because my car was on the other side of town.
A lot of thoughts run through a man's mind when he's lying on a couch in a dark room, listening to the one man he might possibly love having sex with a woman. Each thump on the wall was like a hammer hitting my brain; each one of his moans ripping my heart apart, piece by piece.
Generally, this is when the comparisons began, when I evaluated my life, then did the same to his, all in the darkness, lying on a couch. My broken family to his complete. My lonliness to his popularity. My ingrown facial hairs to his smooth-shaved skin. My black to his white. My gay to his straight. My disadvantages to his priviledges.
My curses to his blessings.
Life just wasn't fair. He can have any woman he wants, and I'm stuck lying on a couch in the darkness with over ten years of pent-up sexual frustration inside of me, listening to his moans of pleasure upstairs. I came pretty close to revoking God's name that night. Really close.
Please don't flame me too hard; I just needed to let some of this out for someone to know. Maybe I'll tell him that I have feelings for him and dislike him because of his race and priviledge but am envious of it as well.
Next Time: "Walking the thin line between Success and Suicide".
Happy New Years, everyone.
. wow. it
sounds like a piece of hell you got there. i totally know
what it is to love someone you cant have, and be jealous
of the position in life of someone you are fond of.. all
i can do is hope things get better for you. sending hugs
and hopes for some sweet guy to prove life aint all
bad
other than, wow!
